


Can We Start Again

by SlasherFiend



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Derogatory Language, Feelings, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, Implied Hydra Trash Party, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 16:12:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14048001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlasherFiend/pseuds/SlasherFiend
Summary: Bucky's in Wakanda, testing out his new arm and trying to forget his past. But he can't. Thankfully Steve is there.





	Can We Start Again

**Author's Note:**

> My first stucky fic. I'm sure this has been done before but I had feelings so here we are. I was going to post earlier than this but *shrug*  
> Read the tags, seriously. Bucky is not ok emotionally or mentally in this.  
> I know nothing of Wakanda, I'm sorry.

Bucky flexed his new arm, it was so much smoother and better than anything Hydra had done. It seemed simpler in design and he didn’t mind bearing the colors. As long as it wasn’t polished chrome, he didn’t care.

 

He was still dealing with memories of past victims, flashes of faces, names uttered in monotone syllables, screams that woke him in the middle of the night.

 

At least Steve was still by his side.

 

Not that Bucky wasn’t grateful to T’Challa and his people, but a familiar face did wonders, even if sometimes Steve’s face was swept into a sea of close fights and flying fists.

 

Bucky didn’t like being alone most of the time, that’s when the worst memories would come back.

 

He made a point of always being around someone.

 

Steve was always elated to spend time with him, though Bucky noticed the beard and how gloomy he got when watching TV.

 

They tried not to talk about current events.

 

Instead Bucky used the internet and multiple resources to help Steve through his unfinished list of key popular culture.

 

Steve was intrigued and also critical of Ghostbusters, muttering about the impossibility of ghosts under his breath. His face was frozen in confusion for most of Ghostbusters 2. Steve lost it during the female Ghostbusters, exclaiming about the receptionist, “He looks like Thor!” Bucky had a vague image in his head of Thor, but he had never met him, so he could only take Steve’s word for it.

 

When it came to world history that Steve couldn’t read through a book, Bucky usually left the room. Quite a few of the insurgences and political upheavals had been due to Hydra and the Winter Solider. There were plenty of documentaries. Bucky didn’t need a reminder of what he had done, his dreams made sure of that.

 

Then, there came a day when Bucky was on his own.

 

Not completely alone, but T’Challa and Steve were off together, something about some new prototype that might be of use to Steve.

 

Bucky wandered around, to do something, he couldn’t sit still. He was followed by a guard. He wasn’t imprisoned here...

 

_Or are you?_ A voice whispered in his head.

 

Bucky frowned. T’Challa could just kill him if he was sure something was wrong, if he was compromised.

 

_This isn’t you. You weren’t made for anything more than war. You’ll grow slow and useless here, in your tranquility_. The voice had a German accent.

 

Bucky stopped walking and looked around, he needed to get these thoughts out of his head, get out of the city.

 

There was a path on his right that would eventually lead into the forest. He started off at a slight jog, no need to run, he would be chased.

 

_They know you’re still dangerous. They’re just waiting. You’ll turn on them, set off by the words that can never be undone. You’ll never be free of Hydra_.

 

Bucky shut his eyes, breathing hard, breathing too fast, hands clenching in his hair.

 

Images swirled through his head. Boots kicking him to his knees, hands around his throat, stepping on his hands, head slammed into concrete. Laughs rang in his ears, echoed around him. He learned to not fight back, to resist stun batons. Sometimes they came when he was sleeping, woke him up, and in his drowsy state, put things in him, pushed cocks past his lips...

 

Bucky shook as the repressed memories flooded him, he sank to his knees, crying.

 

_Maybe this is what you truly are, nothing more than Hydra’s attack dog and ultimate slut. Steve only knows the half of it. You didn’t care because you forgot, it’s easier to forget_. This voice sounded like Steve.

 

“Shut up,” Bucky whispered.

 

Hands were in his hair, pulling, tugging, easing his mouth open. Bucky shook them away, but then there were ones around his waist, yanking him against hips and hard cocks.

 

_Whore, that’s what you were. Paid for your duties, to serve Hydra. That’s all you’ll ever do, is serve. What do they expect from you now? They can’t possibly think you’ll be a person again, that time is way past_.

 

“Shut up!” Bucky swung out and smashed his fist into a tree, cracking the log down the middle, sending the rest toppling down.

 

Bucky panted, like he had been running, head spinning. He looked around and saw how deep in the forest he was. He was surrounded by trees. He must have come here on instinct. He couldn’t remember entering the forest or actually leaving the city.

 

Where was the guard?

 

Bucky jogged back the way he came, or assumed he came.

 

_You’re a killer, a murderer, you can’t excuse anything you’ve done. Steve doesn’t deserve you as a friend. You’re not the guy he knew, the one he grew up with_. Now it just hissed.

 

Bucky slid to a stop at the start of the forest, where the trees were the thinnest.

 

The guard was on his back, not moving.

 

_You haven’t changed. You should be put back in a freezer._

 

Bucky knelt to feel for a pulse.

 

The guy was alive. He groaned.

 

Bucky turned to head back to the palace.

 

_Actually you don’t deserve to live. You’ve taken so many_ _lives_ _, you should be put down like the dog you are._

 

Bucky walked up stairs.

 

_You should do it yourself. Can’t burden anyone else. Steve would never do it. You’re worthless_.

 

Bucky went back to his room, not sure how he stumbled through the door, and threw up on the floor. He sank onto his bed, head in his hands.

 

Someone knocked on the open door.

 

Bucky looked up, the sun was setting, too much time had passed.

 

Someone had cleaned and he hadn't noticed.

 

Steve stood in the doorway. “Buck...you didn’t mean it...”

 

Bucky shook his head. “You can’t say that every time. It’s on me, it’s always been on me.” He got up. “This is why I went back into cryo.” He ran a hand through his hair.

 

“You’ve done so much better and I’m sorry I wasn’t here...”

 

_Like a puppy. You should lick your master’s boots, show him how you apologized to Hydra. Do you think he would like it? Would he fuck you? Would he even be able to look at you?_

 

“Buck?”

 

Bucky blinked, Steve had moved a little closer. Bucky shook his head. “Steve...I could hurt you.”

 

_Snap his neck, break his spine. He’d let you_.

 

Bucky’s hand clenched, there was no pressure behind it now.

 

Suddenly Steve’s warm hand was cupping Bucky’s cheek.

 

Bucky froze, waiting for the voice to start again or for his body to react in the wrong way. “Steve,” Bucky muttered. “You should stop.”

 

“Tell me what’s going on.” Steve dropped his hand, but stayed close.

 

Bucky closed his eyes. “I’ve remembered more.”

 

_Slut_.

 

“Ok.”

 

_Drop to your knees and suck him off. He’ll never believe you anyway. He’ll think you’re lying. Show him_.

 

“It’s about Hydra.”

 

“And what you did for them?”

 

Bucky nodded.

 

_That’s a way of putting it._ Someone kicked him, rolled him on his back, pinned him down. There was shouting of ‘hold him!’ His face was shoved down, always away from them.

 

Bucky swung out with his metal arm and shattered the lamp that sat near his bed, sparks flew.

 

Steve grabbed at him. “Hey! Hey! Bucky, it’s ok. Do you know where you are?”

 

Tears sprang to Bucky’s eyes.

 

_Weak. Pathetic. Tears aren’t part of Hydra_.

 

“Bucky, tell me where you are.”

 

Bucky tried to pull away from Steve, but Steve wouldn’t let go.

 

_Prison. You’re in prison. Trapped. He’ll just leave you. He should kill you_.

 

Bucky screamed and punched a hole in the wall. Then he sank to his knees, Steve held him, rubbing his back.

 

_Broken goods_. Someone spit on his bare body, covered in sweat and come. His eyes blinked slowly open, but there was no consciousness there. Just the asset.

 

When Bucky opened his eyes, he was in bed and Steve was wrapped around him.

 

It was morning, orange lit the sky out the window. There had been no nightmares.

 

Bucky sat up.

 

Steve stirred. “Are we going to talk?” Steve gazed at Bucky, not moving from where he lay.

 

“Later.” Bucky was going to apologize to T’Challa.

 

He felt darkness bubbling in his stomach, ready to spill out. But he felt better. He was getting better, he would get better.

 

He banished a thought of kissing Steve and got up. There would be time for that later.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm shipperfiendobssesser on tumblr, I still don't know how to link  
> If I missed a tag, please tell me


End file.
